Today's Special: I Hate Change

      I hate change. Like Immediate change. Change that makes you want to throw yourself out a window because you don't want to see it happen. It takes long for me to get use to something. I guess that's a BIGGEST flaw that I have. It took me long enough to get use to the fact that he's never going to talk to me ever again. It took me long to get use to High school. 
      Now that I'm finally use to the fact that there's more freedom I get tied down again. Change is necessary in life but I don't know. I need gradualism (like in biology). Slow and easy to huge differences. This year School work just piles up. Money just seems to be some BIG NECESSARY need in everybody's necessary life. I also hate money. It's just some piece of paper that has some certain value and that would just ruin your life or bring you to the toppest of all. Yet once it's gone - you'll wish for it again.
      I just can't seem to laugh... like just LAUGH without forcing something out or emphasizing something. I know I tend to lose a feeling really quickly but lately the feeling of being stressed just keeps coming and coming. Everything's just so quick and abrupt I just want to jump into an ocean off a helicopter or climb a mountain and then let go when I'm at the very top. 
      Everything is just so stressing. I already agreed to take math in the Summer. I already agreed to take the bus. Can you let me SLOWLY accept all this? Can you let me SLOWLY accept that university decisions are coming close? Can you let me SLOWLY accept everything? I'm TRYING. I really am. I gave up watching dramas. I've haven't been eating a lot so i could work instead. I've been reading bio and math books constantly. I've BEEN TRYING. Why is everything so hard lately? Why is everything just so quick? Is this how everything works lately? Am I just late? Am I just being held back because I'm at lost? I'm dropping co-op I'm going to probably drop science. I'm trying to achieve higher. I'm TRYING. How much more am I suppose to do? What AM I suppose to do? How come I feel like I'm the only one that's out of luck?
      Maybe I'm just being too weak. Maybe I'm not asking enough of myself. Maybe I'm just making up too many excuses and that I'm suppose to take ALL THIS IN and just LIVE WITH IT. Maybe I'm not suppose to look at the happy side of life. Cause there isn't one. UGH. I hate change.